This has become the summer of transformation. Learning how to care for a home and a life outside of a close-knit family is a new kind of odyssey. I still feel naive, and I’ll most likely feel that way for a long time. I spend a lot of time thinking about a different kind of life- how will living look this September, this December? Where is that dividing line between what one wants and what one has?
I feel like I’m in limbo. There is what one knows logically and what one knows abstractly. Moving from the land of abstraction into reality is very hard for me. I love to live in a world of dreams and metaphor, where everything is a poem. I like to make plans, and then when the plans fall through, I like to make new plans to replace them. Marking down to-do lists in my planner, only to push the item further and further along until it’s dropped by the wayside. I know, logically, that this is the time to start and transform- moving from dream to reality.
So, here I am. Grasping at straws, trying to figure out what thing is more important to accomplish over the other. At night, I dream of my vision and in the day, I struggle to make it happen. We all go through this, and there’s the unspoken rule that we don’t talk about it. I want to talk about it; talk about the arrival at that different kind of life, where dreams are a reality.
Today, I’m admitting that I’m unhappy with the person that looks back at me in the mirror. Where some may see a determined, optimistic, workaholic that likes to have a laugh, I see something else. I see someone almost entirely opposite; a wishy-washy pessimist that is too busy working and too afraid to learn how to relax, the kind of woman that gets headaches every day from clamping her jaw shut. This is all I have to do for today, simply to admit I am unhappy with what I see, to recognize that I can transform, and for once, believe in myself and my ability to change.
Until we meet again~